Dudley Dursley and the Hidden Staff
by Myrtle the Tyrtle
Summary: Isn't everybody sick of seeing Harry take the centre stage in all the stories? Don't you wish you could have a story about Dudley saving the world? Well, here it is! Set after events in HBP, and featuring Dudley Dursley and a Staff that was hidden.
1. It was a dark and scary night

**DISCLAIMER: **I am not really a tyrtle, and these are not really my characters. Sorry for the confusion, but read on anyway!

It was a dark and scary night… well, ok, yes, generally all nights at this time of history are scary, but this one is dark and scary nonetheless.

Lightening flashed outside a bedroom window of Number 4 Privet Drive, followed soon after by a loud bang of thunder. Inside that bedroom was an adolescent male: too old to be a boy, yet too young to be a man. He was staring out the window, with fear in his eyes as he clutched the fluffy pink blanket closer to his many chins.

Dudley Dursley was scared of thunderstorms. He had been terrified of them ever since one day in his distant childhood, his younger cousin Harry had somehow managed to create one in the dining room (this was obviously before they learned Harry was a wizard). It was what one might call an irrational fear: the fear of something not worth fearing. Dudley's other big fear, of course, was a rational fear: the fear of wizards. The difference between lightening and a wizard is that lightening will not always kill you, and the chances of it even striking you in the first place are remote. However… a wizard… now that's something to be afraid of. Knowledge of all things dark and mystical, a wand to perform the most evil acts of villainy…yes, Dudley Dursley certainly had a right to be afraid of wizards. Especially since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had returned.

The Muggle Prime Minister had announced himself on the six o'clock news himself just one week earlier: a crazed mad man with a magic stick was going around killing people for the fun of it. It had been his last public appearance (except for the funeral that had followed five days later).

Now, a man with hair that resembled a lion's mane had taken over the leadership of Britain, and he had assured them many times that nothing would harm them.

Yeah, right, Dudley had thought. Of course nothing would harm them, he was probably in on the whole thing. Scare the normal people with a "dark wizard" into giving them "them" the country. Contrary to his end of year exams, he wasn't stupid enough to believe it all.

His parents had gone through with the new Minister's plans. They had boarded up the house and left. Unfortunately they were so frazzled by the weather and the death everywhere, they had left him behind.

Not that he minded. He had the house to himself now.

Well, not completely.

Harry and his three friends ("who'd want to be friends with that freak?") had turned the house into a makeshift headquarters for some organisation they'd called Dumbledore's Army, and had left him locked in his room.

So anyway, he had the whole room to himself now.

Alone.

Just how he liked it

Nobody to interrupt him and his secret plans.

Nobody at all.

A/N: aren't cliffhangers fun? Pleas r&r as this is my first piece of work and I will probably need encouragement to continue writing.


	2. What went down in the downstairs bathroo

**DISCLAIMER: **I am not really a tyrtle, and these are not really my characters. Sorry for the confusion, but please read on anyway!

A loud crash of thunder sounded around the room. Dudley jumped a foot in the air, and managed to fall off his bed in the process. But this was ok, because as his parents were away, nobody was taking out his tent-sized clothes to be washed, and they were consequently strewn all over his floor.

Hmmm, thought Dudley. My tent-sized clothes make quite a nice landing mat. I should do this more often.

He had been previously forbidden from jumping around upstairs (for obvious reasons), but now the possibilities were endless.

Dudley climbed back up onto his king-sized bed, and jumped so high he almost couldn't breathe. Although, on second thoughts, it wasn't much different from his usual inadequacies of proper respiration, due to the fact that the oxygen in his blood had to go four times as far around his body than the standard distance for humans who do not have the appearance of a small whale.

Anyway… Dudley landed hard with all his might and force onto the large pile of clothes he had heaped together on the floor. However, due to his vast size, he managed to crash through the floorboards and land down on the first story. Due to the clothes underneath him, it should have been a safe landing, but…

Directly below Dudley's bedroom was the downstairs bathroom. This was a state-of-the-art facility was a large shower/bath facility, specially designed to contain Dudley's vast masses of fat. However, it had more recently begun to be used as a place where teenage girls who had been invited over by Dudley's cousin would wash and do other cleanliness routines IN COMPLETE PRIVACY.

And today, that privacy would be broken.

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**A/N:** It's usually about here where someone would put a nasty cliffhanger. However because I am feeling "nice" with a high self esteem due to my first review (thanks for the feedback, btw), I will continue.

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A scream broke the dazed silence that was echoing in Dudley's brain. He looked up to see a young red-haired girl clutching one of his mother's best towels to her chest, while looking in shock at the mountainesque boy who had just appeared in front of her. The next moment, two young men had opened the door and run inside the bathroom.

One was Dudley's freakish cousin, Harry, and the other was a tall and gangly redhead, just like the girl. Except for the fact that she wasn't tall or gangly. Just nice. And that's not the only nice thing, thinks Dudley.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing with my sister, Muggle?" yelled the redhead, in an angry tone. He had a long stick-thing pointed at Dudley's quaking chest.

"Calm down, Ron," said Harry, firmly placing a hand on Ron's shoulder. "Let me handle this." To Dudley he shouted, "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing with my girlfriend, Muggle?"

To his amazement, Dudley burst into tears. They were what some may call "crocodile tears", that is, they are fake tears produced to portray some kind of emotion, and to generally get your own way. Dudley had a lot of experience with these matters, as did his unknowing mother.

Seeing the fat boy cry, the girl said, "Oh leave him be, you two. He did nothing wrong. He just happened to accidentally fall through the ceiling and into the bathroom as I was standing here naked, just an arm's reach away from a towel. It wasn't his fault." She looked reprovingly at Harry and Ron, and they both lowered their wands.

"Sorry, Dudley," said Harry. "We were jumping to conclusions. I'm very protective of Ginny, especially in these dire times."

Dudley stopped "crying", and pulled on a brave face. This was another specialty of his.

"You should be, freak. I didn't mean to fall through the ceiling. It was an accident as I was, um… taking these clothes to the laundry. So get out of my or I'll punch you, Scarhead." With those words he pushed past the two wizards and went back to his room.

Where he could be alone.

And plot his revenge against Harry, for existing.

And the dark wizard He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, for scaring away his parents and making him do his own laundry.

"You're going to pay for what you did to me," he hissed softly, as he lay down on his bed, and went to sleep, dreaming of violent, vengeful plans.

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**A/N:** So? D'you like? Please r&r and the next chapter should be up in a few days, depending on how I feel about studying for my exams. Sigh.


	3. Screams in the night

**DISCLAIMER: **I am not really a tyrtle, and these are not really my characters. Sorry for the confusion, but please read on anyway!

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A loud, high-pitched scream echoed around the room. It woke a young man, who sat up in his bed with sweat dripping down his face. He was upset for having to leave his rather interesting dream about what he had seen in the shower the previous day, but more concerned about what was happening now.

He grabbed his wand, and ran upstairs to see what was happening. Then he remembered: the only person sleeping upstairs was Dudley. Harry turned, and went to go back downstairs. He was almost at the bottom when he remembered the look that was in Dudley's eyes when he saw Ginny…

Harry quickly sprinted to the room that Hermione and Ginny were sleeping in.

"Ginny!" he called, "are you OK?"

There was no reply. He turned on the electric light, and saw that only Hermione was in the room. She was fast asleep.

"Hermione, wake up!" Harry shook her roughly, trying to rouse her so she could help search for Ginny. But it was no use; she was out cold.

He abandoned his attempts to wake her, and went to find Ron. He was already awake, and pulling on a dressing gown. "Mate, did you hear that noise?"

"Yeah, and I can't find Ginny anywhere!"

Suddenly, a cry for help:

"Harry, help! I need you!" It was Ginny.

It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen.

Harry and Ron raced down the hall to the kitchen, where they found Ginny, sitting on the floor, her arms wrapped around herself, sobbing.

Harry rushed down to her. "Ginny, what's wrong?"

She looked into his attractive green eyes. "I can't get this cookie jar off my hand," she wept, holding up a jar-encased hand.

Harry wordlessly removed the jar, completely forgetting he was underage.

"Is that all? Judging by those terrible screams, I thought Dudley was raping you."

Ginny opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by another high-pitched shriek.

"Hang on," said Ron. "If we're all here, and Hermione's asleep, who's left?"

"Just… Dudley," said Harry thoughtfully. "But there is no way I'm going to stop him from being raped. He deserves it, and probably, so does the other guy."

They all laughed cynically, ignoring a fourth scream echoing down from an upstairs bedroom.

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**A/N:** Apologies for switching to Harry's POV here, but I felt this chapter somehow fitted. And it also portrays Harry as a somewhat-bad guy, just like in Chapter 2. However, I may be willing to change this if you don't like it. But the only way to do so is to READ AND REVIEW!

You're halfway there, so just click on the link below and type your message :)

Myrtle 


	4. A bad CGI animation with a warning

**DISCLAIMER: **I am not really a tyrtle, and these are not really my characters. Sorry for the confusion, but please read on anyway! Also, this story moves hopelessly slowly. Go read something else while you wait for an update. Heck, I don't even care if it's mine or not. That's how long it could take.

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Dudley screamed again, louder this time. He simply could not believe his eyes, for right there at the end of the bed sat an orange ball on a stick. It flickered for a second, then revealed itself as a small, flesh coloured creature with bulging green eyes. On it's head was a tea cosy, and it was wearing two odd socks.

"Sorry about that," said the being. "Dobby is having trouble with his computer animators. They is having trouble with his CGI enhancement."

"I know you," breathed Dudley. "You're that house-elf that came after my first year at Smeltings. I read about you in the freak's diary when mummy banned me from the Playstation because it hadn't been released when HP&tPoA came out. Oh, and my weighing roughly the same as a young killer whale probably had something to do with it too."

"Yes, and you is the cruel mean Dudley Dursley, who… Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby!" The elf beat itself against the lampshade. "Sorry, sir," he added when he was done, "Dobby spoke ill of Harry Potter's fat, stupid and ugly cousin… Bad Dobby!" He was at it again, and Dudley (being fat, stupid and ugly) saw no reason to separate the elf and the bedpost.

"Sorry, sir," apologised Dobby again. "But now the serious businesses. Dobby has come to warn you of a terrible danger that will soon come to pass…"

"You mean I can't go back to school 'coz a dirty great snake is going to come out of the pipes and eat everybody?"

"No, Dudley Dursley can't go back to school because You-Know-Who's Death Eaters have destroyed it with several curses that Dobby knows nothing about, so don't ask!"

"And the problem with that is what, exactly?"

"The problem is not the school, Dudley Dursley, the problem is that they are looking for Harry Potter. They will kill him!"

"I repeat, what exactly is the problem with that?"

"Dudley Dursley, you is worse than Draco Malfoy, you is! You is having no respect for your cousin and his friends! Shame on you!"

Dudley sighed. He knew that the pipsqueak CGI animation had him beat. In fact, anything animated usually won him over – I don't need to tell you how many years he spent trying to "be a Pokémon master," and "catch 'em all".

"What do I have to do?"

"You must go and find…" the elf's voice dropped to a harsh whisper, "the hidden staff."

Dudley frowned, his piggy eyes disappearing over rolls of face-fat. "Is it magical, this staff?"

"Not it, they. The Staff is an army of former Hogwarts teachers who are hiding from the Death Eaters. It is your solemn task, if you choose to accept it (which you will!), to find them all and bring them back to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named once and for all!"

"So how much are you paying me?" asked Dudley, ever the little tyke wanting his moneys worth (just like his father, who you may remember, abandoned him).

Dobby gave him a scornful look, snapped his fingers, and disappeared.

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**A/N:** Yay! Another chapter on a story I said I would probably never complete! So to all you fans out there who were waiting for this, give a big thanks to InkandPaper, who motivated me to write more with her THREE stunning reviews. Yay! And if you want to read more, just get me motivated with reviews of your own!

_Myrtle_


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